Courtship Compass: Deborah Victor-Ayoola on A Modern Woman’s Guide to Singleness and Love

For today’s single woman, love is set against the backdrop of the complexities of dating for the modern woman — from contemporary inventions like swiping on dating apps to timeless questions such as, “How do I know he’s the one?” Amid pressure from well-meaning family or friends, Valentine’s Day is often a potpourri of emotions for different women: sometimes joy, indifference, or even quiet anxiety. Waiting with purpose does not always feel comfortable, yet it is often a season of growth. HER Green Room serves a thriving community of single women, which is why this conversation features Deborah Victor-Ayoola, certified marriage and family life counsellor, author of The Courtship Compass, and founder of The Godly Marriage Tribe. She helps modern women experience wholeness as individuals, not just as partners. Her responses were empathetic yet practical. She shared insights on everything from partnering with a company to build “Africa’s first healthy relationship app”, why she believes love and ambition can be friends, and why contentment does not cancel the desire for a life partner.

Some women feel pressure around Valentine’s Day whether single or married. In your work you speak about wholeness before love. What does being whole look like for a modern woman emotionally, spiritually and mentally?

I know that Valentine’s season can amplify comparison due to engagement announcements, romantic photos, and love stories everywhere. However, a relationship should be an addition to a meaningful life, not the beginning of one. Wholeness, to me, means not putting your life on pause because you are waiting for love. It is not about having everything figured out, it’s about not abandoning yourself while waiting to be loved.

Wholeness means you are emotionally grounded, spiritually rooted, and mentally secure in who you are whether a relationship comes today or later.

Emotionally, a whole woman is not perfect or unhurt; she is self-aware. She understands her triggers, takes responsibility for her healing, and does not expect a relationship to fix her loneliness, insecurity, or past wounds.

Spiritually, wholeness looks like an identity that is anchored in God, reminding herself, “My worth is not measured by who chooses me but by who I belong to.”

Mentally, wholeness looks like clarity and intentionality.

A whole woman is not just waiting for love, she is preparing for it without resentment, pressure or panic.

You’re not just hoping someone picks you; you also get to choose.

You have guided many women through purposeful courtship and wrote Courtship Compass. In a fast-moving world shaped by dating apps, social expectations and cultural pressure, what key questions should every single woman ask herself before entering a relationship?

Social media creates subtle pressure on single women, which is why self-reflection becomes even more important. Dating apps, while helpful, create endless options which is why I’m partnering with a company to build “Africa’s first healthy relationship app” which is in its pilot phase, to bridge the gap that other dating apps have created.

One of the things I remind women often is that relationships don’t just reveal love, they reveal readiness. Purposeful courtship is not passive. You’re not just hoping someone picks you; you also get to choose.

Before asking, “Is this the right person?” it’s important to first ask, “Am I showing up as the right version of myself for a healthy relationship?”

“Am I emotionally available, lonely or just tired of being single?’’

“Do I understand what healthy love actually looks like?”

“Is my life already meaningful without a relationship?”

These questions are important because relationships should complement your life, not become your identity. “Waiting purposefully” is not waiting with folded arms, it’s growing, healing, building, and becoming. When a woman has purpose, community, and self-worth, she dates from a place of confidence rather than desperation.

My book Courtship Compass teaches singles to see intentional courtship as a journey of clarity, not just chemistry. I highlighted over 200 questions partners can use as conversation starters to get to know a prospective partner better in key areas.

Patience is trusting that you don’t have to shrink your values to experience love. Settling is forgetting your worth because you’re tired rather than becoming the version of yourself that can recognise and sustain healthy love.

Some women are tired of waiting. How can a woman distinguish between patience and settling, and what practical steps can help her grow confidence while she waits?

I usually say patience is peaceful, but settling is pressured.

Patience comes with clarity. You know what you’re waiting for and why it matters to you. There’s a sense of trust in the process, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Settling, on the other hand, often sounds like inner bargaining, “He’s not really what I want, but at least he’s available… I’m expecting too much… maybe this is the best I can get.”

Patience is trusting that you don’t have to shrink your values to experience love. Settling is forgetting your worth because you’re tired rather than becoming the version of yourself that can recognise and sustain healthy love.

Confidence while waiting doesn’t grow from positive affirmations alone, it grows from evidence in your own life that you can trust yourself. Here are a few practical ways to build that confidence:

First, get clear about your standards and non-negotiables. Not a long fantasy list, but the core things that truly matter for a healthy, God-honouring relationship, like character, emotional maturity, shared values, and readiness for commitment. When you’re clear, you’re less likely to accept less out of frustration.

Second, build a full life now. Waiting becomes heavier when life feels empty. Invest in friendships, purpose, growth, and experiences that make your life meaningful today. A woman who enjoys her life is less likely to cling to the wrong relationship just to escape loneliness.

Third, heal your relationship patterns. If someone repeatedly finds themselves drawn to unavailable or inconsistent partners, the waiting season is a good time to understand why. That kind of reflection builds emotional confidence.

Fourth, practice making small, self-honouring decisions. Confidence grows every time you keep your boundaries, communicate honestly, or walk away from what isn’t right, even when it’s hard.

Marriage has a way of holding up a mirror, not to shame you, but to grow you.

Do you think marriage changes who we are, how we love and how we show up for our dreams?

Yes, marriage can change us, but not in the way many people assume. Marriage doesn’t automatically transform your personality or fix your weaknesses. What it really does is expose you. For example, I used to think I was very patient, but I discovered in marriage that I struggle with control when things aren’t done or going my way. Marriage has a way of holding up a mirror, not to shame you, but to grow you.

In terms of how we love, marriage often stretches love from being mostly emotional to becoming deeply intentional.Before marriage, love can feel spontaneous and exciting. In marriage, you learn that love is not just something you feel; it’s something you practise daily.

Regarding dreams, marriage doesn’t have to shrink them but it does require alignment. Healthy marriages create space for both partners’ growth. That often means learning collaboration instead of independence. Pursuing a career opportunity may now involve conversations about timing, finances, relocation, or family responsibilities. It’s no longer just “my dream” but “how does this fit into our life?”

Marriage doesn’t stop your becoming; it invites you to become better, together.

When a woman’s entire emotional focus becomes “waiting to be chosen”, discouragement will naturally grow.

Disappointment in love can quietly shake your faith. Staying rooted in faith during that season is less about pretending you’re fine and more about staying connected to God honestly. For example, I’ve seen women who stop praying about relationships entirely because it feels like God is not listening. But staying rooted might look like praying differently instead of stopping altogether or pretending not to care about marriage,

Faith is central to your counseling work. How can a woman stay rooted in her faith and her purpose when love has not shown up the way she imagined or hoped?

Instead of praying, “God, when will it happen?” it may become, “God, prepare me, guide me, and help me trust You with my story.” Faith grows stronger when it becomes relational, not transactional.

When a woman’s entire emotional focus becomes “waiting to be chosen”, discouragement will naturally grow. But when she remains engaged in her purpose, her work, service, growth, and contribution, she remembers that her life is already meaningful now. Marriage is a beautiful part of life, but it is not the whole of life.

Practically, faith can look like maintaining spiritual disciplines even when you feel discouraged; guarding your mind against comparison, especially during seasons like Valentine’s Day; staying in community instead of isolating yourself; and continuing to build the life God has already placed in your hand.

I encourage such women to process disappointment in healthy ways like journalling, prayer, counselling, or even trusted conversations. Waiting seasons are not wasted seasons. They are often seasons where identity is strengthened, wisdom is formed, and emotional capacity is built. A husband not showing up yet does not mean purpose has stopped. It simply means the story is still unfolding.

Marriage, children, and career milestones are not rewards for speed; they are responsibilities that unfold differently for each person.

Comparison can quietly steal joy, especially for older women watching peers marry, have children or build careers. How do you help women move through fear of missing out or jealousy while staying grounded in their unique purpose?

You can genuinely be happy for others and still feel the ache of “When will it be my turn?” Both emotions can exist at the same time, and that doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human

When I work with women navigating fear of missing out or jealousy, the first thing I do is normalise the feeling without allowing it to take control. Jealousy often points to a desire, not a failure. It reveals what matters to you. The goal is not to shame the feeling but to respond to it in a healthy way.

One practical shift I encourage is moving from comparison to clarity. Instead of focusing on someone else’s timeline, we refocus on your journey. For example, a woman might see her friend getting married and begin to panic about being “left behind”. In that moment, I encourage her to ask grounding questions like: What season am I actually in right now? What is God growing in my life in this season? What kind of relationship am I truly preparing for? This helps her move from reacting emotionally to living intentionally.

Another important step is curating your environment. If certain conversations, social media content, or even family pressure constantly trigger anxiety, it’s okay to create boundaries. That might look like limiting time on social media during Valentine’s season, muting certain content temporarily, or surrounding yourself with friends who affirm your journey instead of measuring it.

I also encourage women to build a life that feels full now instead of waiting for someday. This could mean investing in friendships, pursuing meaningful work, serving in their community, or accomplishing personal goals they’ve postponed. Purpose reduces the volume of comparison because you’re actively living, not just waiting.

And then there’s the deeper mindset shift: life is not a race with a universal timeline. Marriage, children, and career milestones are not rewards for speed; they are responsibilities that unfold differently for each person. I’ll say it this way: Someone else’s testimony is not evidence that you are behind, it’s evidence that God is still writing stories.

You are not “too much” to be loved, and you are not disqualified because of your past.

Many women carry silent emotional baggage from heartbreak, family expectations or unmet dreams. Where does the work of emotional healing begin without feeling broken or unworthy of love?

Emotional healing begins with honesty, not shame. These experiences don’t make you unworthy of love, they make you human. Healing begins the moment you stop minimising your pain and start paying attention to it.

For example, a woman may feel pressure because all her friends are married. Healing for her might look like grieving the timeline she imagined for her life instead of pretending she’s unaffected.

Practically, emotional healing often starts with small, intentional steps: naming what hurt you instead of suppressing it; separating your identity from your experiences; talking to a counsellor, mentor, or trusted community; forgiving yourself for choices you made when you knew less; rebuilding self-trust through healthier decisions.

Healing is not a sign that you are damaged; it is a sign that you are responsible with your heart. You are not “too much” to be loved, and you are not disqualified because of your past. Healing simply helps you love and be loved in a healthier way.

loneliness is a signal for connection because loneliness is not really about the absence of a romantic partner but the absence of meaningful connection in daily life.

Even some women doing all the right things—therapy, prayer and personal growth—can still feel lonely. How do you help women reframe loneliness without romanticising pain or dismissing their desire for partnership?

The first thing I do is normalise the feeling. You can be growing, fulfilled, and still desire companionship. I help women hold two truths at the same time: You can be content and still desire marriage. You can trust God’s timing and still hope for love. Your desire for a partner does not mean you are ungrateful, impatient, or failing at singleness, it means you are human and wired for connection.

For instance, a woman may be busy with work, church, and responsibilities but still lack emotionally safe friendships where she feels seen and understood. In that case, the solution is not just “wait for marriage,” but intentionally building community.

Other times, loneliness shows up in quiet moments like weekends, weddings, holidays, or seasons like Valentine’s Day. Instead of shaming those feelings, I encourage women to plan connection-filled activities, nurture friendships, serve in community, or create personal traditions that bring joy and meaning.

A desire for partnership is valid, but it should not silence the life you are already living. I help women understand that loneliness is a signal for connection because loneliness is not really about the absence of a romantic partner but the absence of meaningful connection in daily life. Loneliness becomes unhealthy when it convinces you that your life hasn’t started or that you are being left behind. That’s the lie we challenge. I often say to my clients: Your life is not on hold because love hasn’t arrived yet. This season can still be a meaningful part of your story, not a waiting room you must endure.

High-achieving and independent women often feel they must choose between love and their careers. How can women honour their ambition and purpose without shrinking themselves for a relationship or carrying emotional labour alone?

The right relationship will not require you to become smaller to be loved. It

This tension is very real for many women today, especially women who are clear about their purpose, career, and calling. But I don’t believe love and career are enemies, they are meant to be aligned. We have examples of high-achieving women who are fulfilling destiny and in love. Tara Fela-Durotoye, Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, Ibukun Awosika, Bishop Funke Felix-Adejumo, Pastor Sarah Jakes-Robert, to mention a few, are women who fit into that description.

One of the biggest mindset shifts I encourage women to make is this: the right relationship will not require you to become smaller to be loved. It will require growth, compromise, and humility, but not the abandonment of your identity or purpose. Instead, in the right relationship, your partner will partner with God to help you fulfil your God-given purpose.

Shrinking often happens subtly. A woman may stop talking about her dreams so she doesn’t “intimidate” a partner. She may carry the entire emotional weight of the relationship, initiating difficult conversations, managing conflict, nurturing connection while also handling her personal responsibilities. Over time, this becomes exhausting and unsustainable.

Honouring both love and purpose starts with choosing partnership intentionally, not just emotionally. For example:

Pay attention to how a person responds to your growth and ambition. Do they celebrate you or compete with you? Notice whether responsibility in the relationship is mutual or one-sided.

On your part, be clear about your calling and life direction before marriage. Communicate expectations about partnership and support. Refuse to over-function emotionally in a relationship.Choose someone who is secure in their own identity and purpose.

Love should feel like collaboration, not containment. A healthy relationship does not silence a woman’s destiny; it strengthens her capacity to live it out.

As a woman yourself, how do you define having it all for the modern woman?

For me, “having it all” does not mean having everything at the same time or in perfect balance. That idea alone can create unnecessary pressure. I define having it all as living a deeply aligned life, where your faith, purpose, relationships, and personal wellbeing are growing in the right seasons, even if not at the same pace. It’s about wholeness, alignment, and peace with your journey.

Some seasons are for building. Some seasons are for healing. Some seasons are for love. Some seasons are for family. Some seasons are for rest. And all of those seasons are valid.

When I am not forced to choose between being purposeful and being loved, between strength and softness, or between independence and partnership. It means I can build meaningful work, nurture healthy relationships, and continue becoming whole.

I encourage women to define success for yourself, not copying societal timelines. Allow your life to unfold in seasons instead of comparison. This will enable you to build emotional health alongside career growth so that you can choose relationships that support your wellbeing and purpose.

For example, a woman may be advancing in her career while also intentionally preparing for marriage through counselling, mentorship, or personal development. Another woman may be married and raising children while building something meaningful slowly. Both are “having it all” in their own season.

Want to continue your journey of intentional love and wholeness? Connect with Deborah Victor-Ayoola — visit her website, get her book The Courtship Compass; you can follow Deborah and her company on social media, and access resources using the links below.

Deborah’s Instagram: @deborah_v_ayoola

Deborah’s LinkedIn: Deborah Victor-Ayoola 

Company Instagram: @famcore_solutions

Company LinkedIn: FAMCORE Solutions 

Substack Newsletter: Deborah Victor-Ayoola